Date me once, you’re a dunce. Date me thrice, you’ve got lice!
SO, you’ve made it to date three. Well done for not stinking like hot garlic during the first two. But the third date is the hardest hurdle of all, and without careful preparation you’re certain to fall arse-first into a dung-smeared spike pit, naked.
I’m assuming you’re a heterosexual woman. I’m a heterosexual woman too, so I understand how our minds work – all too well. It’s an unfortunate fact that by date three, the womanly mind is working so hard that we start to make simple, careless mistakes, like forgetting to leave the house with shoes on, or forgetting to pack an extra wig. We may even forget the name of the man in front of us. Does it start with a Q? Think, woman!
That brings me to my first Do: do write down the name of your date on a piece of paper, as it may come in handy in the future. Make sure to keep the document in a safe place – I recommend folding it up very small and putting it in your earpiece. A man’s name is an important part of who he is, and if you forget it, he’ll probably want to forget you.
A second and equally important Do concerns the state of your gladrags, madam. An oversized men’s trenchcoat and tent-like chinos might’ve cut it on date 1 when it was all fun and games and axe-throwing. But I’m afraid that by date 3 your manfriend is going to want to know how much of a capital-W Woman he’s dealing with. So, do have some class. Think Diana: would Diana ever be seen out in a big lumpy, frumpy, dumpy binbag? If the answer is no – which it is – then you shouldn’t be wearing one.
Time for some don’ts. On your third date, do not discuss the following:
- Food or drink
- How many children you want
- Tarantino
- The possibility of anal
- Any war, but especially not the Falklands.
In my experience, speaking about any of the above can lead to a date-ending conflict of opinion. It is also important never to mention:
- Your life expectancy
- The size and consistency of your last bowel movement
- The number of men you’ve thought about sleeping with
It’s safer to let him do most of the talking. He will probably talk about Formula 1, so be ready with a few questions about cars. Remember, you can always pick up your knitting under the table if it gets a bit boring.
I’ll give you a final don’t for the road: don’t forget what I told you to do. Bonus don’t: if you’re lucky enough to get ‘invited up’ for ‘a night cap and a bit of sex’ (wink wink), don’t look too closely at the ceiling of his bedroom as you will almost definitely see a spider.
Tschüss!
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